A Good Filter… ??? …I was talking with my friend Kathy the other week and I told her about a date I had with a man from It’s Just Lunch.
We met about a month ago and had dinner downtown. He seemed nice enough. Cute, tall… good job… smart… great on paper. And he was shy. I could tell he was a very private guy and unfortunately, I felt like I drove the conversation.
I hate to drive.
There were a few awkward moments, but truthfully, that seems to be par for the course for a lot of first dates; not just my own. I’ve realized that you can learn a lot about the person you’re with by observing the deafening spaces in the gaps between conversation. Are they uncomfortable? Do they fidget? Do they seem at ease with the silence or is crap flying out of their mouth, just to fill the air? Trent seemed uncomfortable and I wanted to put him out of his misery, so I did my best to keep the dialogue flowing without completely leading or monopolizing the conversation.
He asked me a few questions about myself. Mostly, what I did for a living. I told him about real estate and coaching and that I was writing a book. Well, one would think that the next, most obvious question would be… What is your book about? Right?
Nope. Nothing. Crickets…
Surprisingly, when I tell people that I’m writing a book, only about half of them ask me what it is about; which leads me to believe that 50% of the people you talk to aren‘t listening. (and I’m sure, in all fairness, there have been plenty of times when I’ve missed something someone else said…)
Part of me felt like it might be time to put the horse down…
BUT, as I navigate my way through the dating world, I remind myself not to judge a book by it’s cover and that great things reveal themselves in time AND that the men I’ve loved the most were men I didn’t spark with immediately.
After two hours, our dinner was over and it was time to move on. We exchanged numbers and I thought to myself that maybe this guy just needed some time to open up. He was kind and smart and I shouldn’t be so quick to write him off.
The following Saturday, he “friended” me on facebook. Oh. Whoa Nellie… Wait a minute… I’m not all that particular about the people I will accept friend requests from, (My only rule is that we have to have met at some point or have enough friends in common that it’s inevitable we will meet.) HOWEVER, you can get a great big glimpse into my life if you are a facebook friend of mine. (I will fess up here to the fact that my ex-husband has sent me a friend request three times and I’ve denied it every time.), but I figured, what the hell… I’ve got nothing to hide and after waiting for what seemed the appropriate time, I accepted his friend request.
Flash to the next morning as I get up and eventually make my way over to check my email. There’s a facebook email and it’s from Trent. He tells me that it was really nice to meet me and that he had a great time on our date. He is sure I’ll have great success with my endeavors. He then goes on to tell me that even though I’m changing the names of the guys in the book, that he just doesn’t feel comfortable going forward.
OK, I can appreciate that. Part of me wanted to tell him that the guys I’ve written about in the book are the guys that have been significant to me. They were either men that I dated for a long time and were deeply in love with or men who handled things so poorly, that I couldn’t NOT write about them.
Meaning = If you’re a stand up guy, you’ve got nothing to worry about, but OK. I can respect his decision.
My best friend Kathy asked me if I wasn’t worried I was shooting myself in the foot by writing this book. I thought it was a valid question and honestly, it wasn’t the first time that the thought had occurred to me. I was something that I‘d actually given a fair amount of contemplation and what I’d found, more than anything was that it was a good filter.
My guy (whoever he is) is strong and he won’t be intimidated by the fact that I’m writing a book. The guy that would be so freaked out as to run away (and trust me, there have been a couple who have expressed discomfort with the book) isn’t my man. What I’ve found is that when guys learn about my “pet project” they either react or they respond. How they show up tells me a lot.
Trent was afraid he end up a chapter and that speaks volumes, doesn‘t it? The last guy I dated told me he’d be honored to be in my book. (He might not feel the same way once it comes out.) I’ve experienced a mix of apprehension as well as support.
But, no worries… I thought to myself. Part of me thought it was a stand up move for him to send the email, so that was cool. Shame, because he probably didn’t have anything to worry about, being such an upfront, honest guy.
Then, I noticed he un-friended me. Really? So, I get that you might not be comfortable dating me, but you’re not even comfortable to remain my fake facebook friend? Seriously, dude? You’re that worried? Really? What is this fifth grade?
OK, so he might not be interesting enough for the book, but now I think he deserves a blog post.
I sure hope he bookmarked the site… hee hee hee
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