A Question from Noah...

"Is dating as a single mom a bad thing, Mommy?"

my eight year old, Noah asked me.

This question stopped me dead in my tracks. Wow. What have I said OR what haven't I said, I thought to myself. I've been very focused on writing this book and I haven't kept any secrets about it from my kids. It's been a hot topic of conversation lately and they've had a few questions; mostly, Jacob, who keeps asking me if he can read the book (The answer to which is NO!), but Noah's question really threw me for a loop.

"No, sweetie," I explained, sitting him down on the sofa. "Is that what you think?" I asked him, "...that it's a bad thing?"

"I don't know." he answered back.

I told him that dating as a single mom isn't a bad thing, but that it isn't easy, either. I went on to tell him that when Mommy meets someone new, I have to make sure that he is good enough before I bring him to the house to meet him and his brother. I felt horrible that he had gained that impression.

So, when do you introduce the guy in your life to your kid/s?

Is it after a certain amount of time or is it when the relationship gets to a certain stage?

Sometimes, is it a matter of convenience; as in - I've got one pocket of time and don't want to choose between my kid/s and my guy... Why don't we all do something together?

Sometimes, introducing the man in your life to your child is a test; in and of itself, isn't it? I mean, if he says he loves children, but doesn't walk the talk - isn't it important to figure that out sooner rather than later AND how else do you figure that out than to see him interact with your child/children.

It's a tightrope. How do you find the balance?

Please share your thoughts and post your comments here!

Noah is eight and the questions are really starting to come now. (Lately, he's had lots of questions about his Dad and why we split. I'm not willing to lie to him and I'm not yet ready to tell him the truth either, but that's a topic for another post.)

With Jacob, the questions started coming much earlier. Maybe that's because he was the first - who knows... but, Noah is more naive and is just realizing that he can turn the wheels in his brain himself.

Just yesterday morning I told Noah that Bode was going to the vet to get snipped. He wanted to know what that meant, so I explained about pet population and what it meant to get neutered. He asked if it would hurt Bode and I said, "No, sweetie, they're going to put him to sleep, first."

OMG, the look - on - his - face. Bode is our new puppy and the reason we have a new puppy is because our cherished pet and family member, Sparky was hit by a car in February. His spine was crushed and we had to put him to sleep. It hadn't occurred to me to explain the difference between the two.

Then came the questions about "Why" and "How" and I proceeded to explain what it meant to neuter a dog and sperm and eggs and...

WHOA... It's only 6:45am. I am not properly caffeinated for this. I'm trying to (delicately) explain to a giggling eight year old that both pee and sperm come out of Bode's "winkis" and that the Vet is going to snip the tube that has the sperm so that it can't come out.

"Where does it go?" he wants to know.

"I have no idea sweetie." I say.

Noah seems to be satisfied with this answer and I manage to make myself a cup of coffee and get breakfast started.

Five minutes passes and Noah says, "So, there's sperm in your bed?"

My mind immediately races to the last time there was a man in my bed (not that there have been many). I must have had this stunned, blank look on my face, because Noah then added, "You know, from when Bode was a little baby and peed on your bed by accident?".

WHEW! I let out a huge sigh. Crisis averted. He was talking about the dog.

Thank God for small things.

Roosevelt is the man in my life

Roosevelt is the man in my life.

At least for today.

Let me explain… Charleston, SC is a beautiful place; especially this time of year. It’s the end of April and I‘ve been sleeping on a futon on my porch pretty much since it got cool last fall. There’s just something about sleeping in the cold… The days are warm and sunny and the nights are still cool, but I know that these cool and crisp nights will soon morph into sticky and sweaty. I’m aware that my nights are numbered, but for now, I‘m savoring every last night I get to spend out here.

A couple of nights ago, Bode Moses (my dog) and I were curled up on the futon watching Chelsea Lately. I didn’t hear anything except Chelsea ripping Kim Kardashian up one side and down the other, but Bode did. His little white ears perked up and that little rumble in the back of his throat began to grow louder.

Bode is just a puppy. He’s a little baby and he’s still new to us. He’s not aggressive or much of a growler, but he is a little odd (in a slightly peculiar, lovable sort of way), so I’m not sure if he knows something I don’t know and is playing the role of protector or if he’s just acting a little loco. The ceiling fan is on and from time to time it shudders, so maybe that is what he hears. Besides, I have one of those sonar thingies; you know - dogs and cats supposedly can’t hear it, but rodents can and it hurts their little ears, so they stay away. Wonder if that’s working?… Hmmm, that might have been a waste of money.

“Bode, hush”, I told him.

Five minutes later and I hear it too. I hear it scurry; little feet and tiny little nails scratching against wood somewhere on the porch. Ugh… I totally have the heebie jeebies now, but, I love my porch! I’ll try to scare him away before I give up and go inside.

I get up and start stomping around. Thump! Thump! Stomp! I grab the broom, turn it around and poke the canvas beach bag we keep in the cabinet on the porch. Scurry. Scurry. Scurry. I’m totally freaked out now. I poke at the ever-expanding pile of knee and elbow pads (the safety equipment to child ratio in my household is exceptionally high. I probably have - no exaggeration - about 5 pairs of both elbow pads as well as knee pads and maybe four or five helmets and they‘ve never been worn. LOL. It’s all brand new… never been used… anyone in the market for some safety gear?) when out runs this creepy grey mouse… Maybe a mouse, maybe a rat… I don’t know, but I’m going to go with mouse. It makes me feel better to call it a mouse, but does it really matter?

I scream, drop the broom, run inside, and jump around on my tippy toes. (I run upstairs and wake Jacob up. I am not going to go through this alone. He may only be 13, but he almost bigger than me and he’s a boy, so…). We poke around and the coast looks clear, but I’m sufficiently wigged out, so I grab my pillow and head inside to sleep. I‘m bummed.

The next day, I patched up the hole my new “house guest” had created for himself and was even more determined to resume my slumber that night. Maybe he didn’t come; maybe I slept through it… I choose to believe the former, but it wasn’t to last. The night after that, he was back; having made a second hole and now I’m officially pissed. I can hear him scurry around, but although I’m completely freaked out by him, he’s not too affected by me. He’s ornery. I go inside to sleep and turn on the air conditioner. Damn. Aren’t mice supposed to be easily intimidated? Timid? Scared? How did I get so lucky as to end up with Mighty Mouse? This little booger is determined.

Game on.

Day after that, I cover hole number two with plywood and I find hole number three. There’s no point in having the screen replaced until I know he’s done tearing it all up. Everything but a little 8 x 8 inch space is covered. I’d like to see him get in now, I thought.

I asked Jacob to go up to the store to get some traps. He called me and said that he had gone to both the BiLo as well as CVS pharmacy and that neither one had anything. What? Come on. They had to have something. Surely, right? He‘s going to go up to the Publix and look there.

“Did you ask anyone?” I inquired.

“No.” he said (teenagers are most excellent conversationalists * insert sarcasm here *).

“Hold on before you go to the other store…” I tell him. The kid would rather go back home and then back out to another store (one further away) than go up to a store employee and ask a question. Part of me wanted to make him go to the other store just to teach him a lesson.

I‘m just around the corner from the BiLo and I really want to sleep on the porch, so I decide to stop and look for myself. Jacob is, after all, only 13 and sometimes he can’t see what’s right in front of his face. Ugh, see, this is why I need a man. I shouldn’t have to be doing all this. I long for the time when I can run inside shrieking, jump up on a chair (however antiquated that cliché may be) and cry out for my man to come rescue me and slay the dragon; or catch the mouse in this particular situation. Straight to the end of aisle 8... All the way down, by the roach spray, on the bottom shelf and there they are; mouse traps. Voila. They are these little plastic clips and it all self contained and you can catch and release, blah… blah… blah… It’s all they have at the store, so I buy 4, some pepperoni and head home. It was right there; don’t know how he missed it; God forbid he should ask for help.

This ends tonight, I think on the drive home.

We set the traps and really, these things are comical. They resemble chip clip more than a mouse trap. Jacob sticks his finger in to see how much it hurts. It’s not very impressive, but it’s all we’ve got… I don’t really want to kill it. I just want to catch it, although I have no idea what I’m going to do with a live mouse once I’ve captured it. Catch and release? To where? My neighbor’s yard?

That night, I again hear the now, unfortunately all too familiar sounds of scurry, scurry, scurry and I open my eyes to see my new friend run across the ledge of the porch and he‘s much bigger than I originally thought. I’m not sure if he’s inside the screen or on the outside of the screen, but it doesn’t really matter, I’m up and inside again; air conditioner on.

The next morning, the traps had all been set off, the bait was gone and there was another hole. Thinking I had a mouse was just that; thinking, albeit wishful thinking. I have a rat and he is determined, but so am I. So, this is where the term “rat bastard” came from… He’s mocking me. Me 0, rat 1, but it’s only half-time. I think my traps startled him, but that’s about it.. (We’re going to run them through the dishwasher and use them as chip clips. Seriously.)

A wise soul once told me "Never bring a knife to a gun fight." Point taken Dave. I’m calling in the big guns. I called Roosevelt, who has been my exterminator for years and years and years. He knows where the key is hidden and knows he’s welcome to help himself to a cold drink if he wants. My kids know him by name. I have his cell phone number.

Roosevelt is at my house within 20 minutes and has set up two traps baited with beef jerkey. He’s very confident that we’ll catch him tonight. He’ll come back tomorrow and dispose of everything for me. I showed him the traps I’d set the night before and he laughed.

“You couldn’t catch a roach with one of those.” he said.

Exterminator’s humor, I guess.

OK, so I guess I was being a little naïve, but hey, I’m a girl. Isn’t that kind of my job?

I had date # 2 with Nick last night and when I got back home, both traps had been set off, only this time, my furry friend did not get away. Not only did he not get away, but neither did his partner in crime. Yes, there were two rats and one was huge. (I took a picture and will send it out upon request. Ewww, gross.)

Immediately, I ran upstairs and woke up Jacob.

“Come see! We got them” I exclaimed with a combination of giddiness and ickiness that you would have to have had witnessed to understand.

“Really? Seriously?” he said. I told him to get up.

We “bagged” the corpses and re-baited the traps with peanut butter as we were not out of pepperoni and don’t have a plentiful stash of beef jerky on hand. I thought there was just one. I wasn’t quite prepared for two, so who knows how many others there are… I wasn’t going to take any chances. Peanut butter would have to do.

I realize that while I may not currently have a man in my life to catch rats and smash bugs, that I do have men in my life that I can count and rely on. I can always count on Jacob to get up out of bed, no matter how deeply he may have been sleeping or how silly he thinks his mom is and I can clearly count on Roosevelt for reinforcements; to catch the rat.

I slept great last night. . The peanut butter remains untouched, but I think I’ll leave it out for a few more nights, just to be sure.

There’s a little part of me that feels bad for the rat/s, but I won’t lose any sleep over it. Sweet dreams.

A Question from Nicole at The Morning Mashup

A Question from Nicole at The Morning Mashup on Facebook this morning...

Nicole reported in the 4-1-1 that Kim Kardashian flew away for a trip with soccer star Cristiano Renaldo. This after Kim and Reggie Bush just broke up about a month ago. Rich thinks this just shows that Kim was never really that in love with Reggie if she can move on and get back into a relationship so quickly.

There’s no way she was in love with him and ready to marry him after three years of dating, and then it only taking her a month to get into a situation with someone else. Rich even thinks it’s even a bit disrespectful to move on so quickly. Nicole, Stanley T and Ryan think that sometimes it’s easier to get over your ex after you get that rebound in, so you can get your groove back.

When you and a partner break up should there be a respect buffer of time before either of you get into dating, or another relationship? How long do you think a respect buffer should be?

2 comments

1 Nicole { 04.21.10 at 8:22 am }

There should be a little time, but no one can hold off on dating forever. If you’re out after a breakup and someone tries to hit on you and you’re comfortable with it…why not go with it? It’s ridiculous to hold back just because your ex might not like it. You go out when YOU’RE ready, not when other people think you’re ready. There is, however, a chance that you may get back together with your ex, and if you think that’s the case then you should hold off until you reach that point where there’s no contact with him/her.

2 Michelle Scarafile { 04.21.10 at 8:24 am } (My Response...)

I do agree that some sort of a respect buffer (or whatever you want to call it) is warranted when something substantial has ended. What the magic measure of time is, I don’t know. I also believe that there is a lot of value in spending some time by yourself.

I’m a single mom and the last two guys I’ve dated moved on to their next relationship without so much as a blink. I think that when you jump so quickly into something else that you risk losing the lesson you were supposed to learn from the relationship you were in and that you also set yourself up to repeat the same mistakes again.

Feathers, bricks, trucks… The lessons keep coming until you get them and each time they come, they’re bigger and brighter and bolder…

With that being said, sometimes (especially if the break up was particularly hard) and you find yourself still swimming around in heartache months later, it’s best to “act as if” and move on…

I dated a guy for two years and when we split I was devastated. We loved each other deeply, but I came to the realization that we wanted different things. I was single for about four months and then began dating another guy (we dated for about 9 months). He was my rebound guy and I don’t know if it would have made a difference if I dated him a month after my previous relationship or 6 months after… He still would have been the rebound guy.

What about the little things?

The other night I was out with some friends and we were at O-Ku a new upscale sushi bar on King Street in downtown Charleston. We didn't have anything to eat, but the ambiance was fabulous. This is not a paid endorsement... I don't get the toaster, but it looks like they've got some great happy hour specials... check it out on facebook... There was a very cool vibe, kind of like one of those upscale places in the meat packing district in NYC, like the Spice Market. (If you're ever in NYC, check it out. It's where Carrie & Big had their rehearsal dinner in the movie Sex & The City, but I digress...) My friend Steve Palmer is part owner and he takes such outstanding care of his guests. He really knows how to make you feel special.

Anyway, there was a group of three of four guys standing at the bar and one of the girls at our table was goading me into going over and talking to them. She was abrasively in my face, trying to pull me up out of my chair and challenging me as if I were afraid. I'll admit, there was a small part of me that didn't like her telling me I was chicken.

But, there was a much bigger part of me that is clear on who I am and what I stand for and what I deserve. I deserve to play the role of the girl. I should be approached by a man, not the other way around. For me to give in to that little part of me that wanted to be right (to prove that I could go over to them) would have been to forfeit the lessons I've learned. Inside, I could feel myself getting defensive with her, but when she finally sat back down, I explained that I wasn't going to chase anyone; that I deserved to be the "chasee", not the "chaser". She piped down, we finished our drinks and left.

There were five of us? Too many to be out and to be approached? Two is not a good number. A good friend would never leave another friend stranded... Three, Four?

I had a first date the other night. Let's call him Nick. The conversation was great and he's really cute and he seems to actually have his shit together. But, they all seem that way at first, so in actuality, the jury is still out. The date itself was really short though and I don't quite know what to make of that.

He asked where I live and I told him here in Mount Pleasant. He asked again and I told him off of Mathis Ferry Road. I live in a really nice neighborhood (for which I am grateful and was able to do so due to the wonders of creative financing... I was one of those people who got their loan just before the banking crisis - one of the people that probably shouldn't have gotten the loan, ya know?) and men get intimidated when they find out where I live... I didn't want him to know. Either he got it and dropped it or it didn't occur to him I was dodging the question.

So, ladies, I have a question for you... The little things that happen on a date; especially at the beginning of a relationship... How much weight do you give those little things? (Not like Nick and I are in a relationship, I'm just asking in general...) I don't want to be nit-picky or rip apart and analyze every little thing, but looking back on failed relationships, it seems that those little things I overlooked in the spirit of open mindedness and kindness turned out to be red flags that maybe should have been given more attention.

So, like I was saying, I was recently on this date with this guy and he suggested we meet at 6:30. OK, 6:30 is good. Then, when he calls to confirm (calling to confirm = good) he says he has a few errands to run and he'll be there between 6:30 and 6:45. ??????? Well, I don't know about you, but, I'm not gonna go at 6:30 if I know there a possibility I could be sitting by myself at the bar for 15 minutes. (That's something that just makes me uncomfortable; unless I'm actually eating - then somehow, it feels like I have a purpose, I guess...) Anyway, fuzzy start time = not good.

I don't want to be way late, so I leave my house at 6:30 and get there in 5 minutes. Fortunately he's there and gets up from the table. He greets me with a warm hug. Good start, I think. We walk back over to the table and the setup is a booth on one side and chairs on the other. I hate the chair. I always want the booth side and every man I've every been with has always offered me the booth side. He takes the booth side. I'm bummed. Is he not a gentleman, I think? He was raised right here in Charleston. How can he not be? The sun was setting and it was in my eyes and I had to move over a seat. We are now sitting diagonally across from each other. Should he have offered to switch? I think so.

Like I said the conversation was really good, but I'm not quite ready to be facebook friends (and have him gain insight into every little part of my life should he turn out to have stalker tendencies). We have a lot in common and see eye to eye on many different things. 1 hour and 45 minutes later and we've finished our dinner. Despite the small serving of chivalry, I'm into him and would like to spend some more time talking to him; getting to know him. I'm kind of hoping he'll suggest a walk or a movie. It's still light outside. I've got an evening away from the boys and I'm not ready to go home.

He pays the check and we walk outside to our cars. Really, that's it? I'm thinking...

"How do you like your Commander?" he asks trying to fill the space?

"I love it." I responded. (Why is he asking me about my car?...)

I turn to go towards my car and he's there to give me a big hug. I almost thought he was going to kiss me, but he plants a little one on my check. Sweet, I think. The hug lingered a bit, but no kiss. Truthfully, although I was open to it, it did feel like a bit too soon, so I'm thinking no kiss was a good thing.

He texted me on the way home. Enjoyed my company,he said and wants to get together to do it again soon. Hmmm... no kiss = good sign apparently.

I'm learning...

Happy Easter

Yesterday, my family got together for Easter. My friend Allison joined us as did our friend Philip and also our friends, Meaghan & Jeff with their two boys. Both of my brothers were there and they had their new babies with them. Baby Vito is almost six months and Baby Charlotte was born about ten days ago. It was so great to have all the kids there... All in all, we had a two year old and three little babies and a very cute Easter Egg hunt...

This past week was a fairly big week for me with a few wins sprinkled in. I've been trying to grow my followers on Twitter, so that when I finish this book, I've got a pool of (if I've I searched and chosen correctly) single mothers and an audience for the book. So far, I've got about 256 following Twitterers and I maybe only know a handful. I LOVE THE INTERNET! Are we following each other on Twitter? Go to www.twitter.com/NextOneManClosr

I went to the f'book page of The Morning Mashup and asked if we could poll the listeners for horror and success dating stories of single moms. Stan from the show said they were going to talk about this soon. "Soon" as in later that morning or "soon" as in later in the month? Hmmm.... Very cool to get a response, regardless.

I also got the website up. It's ALIVE! I've accumulated 26 facebook fans for the book fan page and the really cool thing is that I don't even know some of them. http://tinyurl.com/ygv93vc

On the website, you can request the first chapter and after receiving one request, I figured I had better get chapter one proofed and ready to go. Go to www.NextOneManCloser.com if you would like for me to email you a copy of the first chapter.

I printed a copy of chapter one out and brought it to my moms yesterday. Everyone seemed really excited for me and anxious to read it. I left it there. I wonder if my mom will take it on her trip with her skiing? My Dad has been really supportive. My mom hasn't said much about it. She wishes I were selling more real estate, no doubt.

Noah, my son said that when he first saw what the cover of the book was going to look like, he thought it was perfect for me since my iPod earphones are covered in pink crystals as is my iPhone...

My brother, Michael, asked if the title of the book was final. Well, I guess nothing is ever final until it's final, right... I've got to recreate the photo anyway so that it's truly mine and I don't encounter any copyright infringements, but like I said, he was talking about the title. I told him, that yea... I was 99% sure that was it and he said it sounded slutty. I almost peed in my pants when he said this... "Next!" - like I'm moving them through on a conveyor belt.

I laughed and told Michael that my primary market wasn't men and that I didn't think women would have the same first impression. My friend Allison, my cousin Julie and my sister-in-law, (also) Julie were there to back me up.

So, where did I get the title, you may be asking? This is actually a great story, I think. I was at a Tony Robbins event several years ago; maybe 4 years ago. I was chatting with my friend Jessica and she was telling me about this great experience she had had with one of the trainers. She was having a hard time getting over this guy she'd been dating. Truthfully, as Jess would tell you, she just didn't want to let go. She was talking with the trainer and he was showing her that this guy wasn't worth the salt in her tears. That there's was someone amazing out there, waiting for her, and that all she had to do was let go and move toward her future. Towards whoever was next for her. As a metaphor, he made her go out into the hall of the convention center and yell at the top of her lungs NEXT!. Every time I would date someone and it would end, I would just think to myself, "Well, Next... I'm one guy closer" and believe it or not, it's given me a bit of peace throughout the years. Not as much peace as finding the guy would have given me, but I'll take what I can get. Anyway, it always stuck with me, so when I decided that it was time to write this book, the title seemed obvious.

My target date for finishing the book in by the end of April. Whew... I figure, editing aside, I'm about half-way through... Should be interesting to hear the comments from the first chapter.

stay tuned...

I's getting very REAL now...

Not much for today, but this book is getting very real now... I've written about 25,000 words; albeit jumping around much of the time (at least initially). The introduction and the first chapter are almost totally finished.

The website went live the day before yesterday and I've offered up the first chapter to anyone who wants to read it. The site is nothing fancy, but you can pre-order the e-book, follow me on Twitter or become a facebook fan; all from the book's site. Oh, and it links back to this blog too. My boyfriend from my freshman year in college wants to read it - and here I thought my main market would be women...

So, my focus for the next two days will be to put the finishing touches on the first chapter (although, I reserve the right to change any or all of it at any point prior to publication) and, Oh yeah... I need to change the names to protect the innocent (and the not-so-innocent). Haaaa... Wonder if I'll get any hate mail?

I went on the the home page for the Morning Mashup (the Sirius radio morning show) and told them I was writing a book on dating as a single mom. I asked if we could get dating (horror & success) stories from the listeners. Stan wrote me back saying that they were going to bring this up soon, so that's very cool... Radio might be a great way to start getting the book out there and building some sort of a fan base.

stay tuned... ")